All right, so I’m not exactly a dating expert (I said it so you don’t have to!) but I have spent a fair amount of time playing the dating game. So, I feel at least a little qualified to give dating advice.
Buying a girl a drink at a dance club only ensures that they get a free drink.
don’t buy drinks for girls who only want free drinks
Guys, this one’s for you. I overheard a guy lamenting his bad luck. How he bought a girl a few whiskey drinks, and she wanted to dance. So he followed her. And, what do you know? She danced with someone else. I could have predicted that, even in the retelling.
The last time I was at a dance club, I was there with a few girlfriends. One guy decided to dance and befriend us. He couldn’t decide which of us he liked best, so he bought each of us a drink. That was appreciated, to be certain, but it was a fruitless effort. He eventually asked one of the girls for her number. The joke that night was on him, since the girl he chose is not interested in men. That was four drinks he didn’t have to buy.
A better choice, if you’re still feeling generous, is to buy a girl a drink at a place where you can hear her answer when you ask her name. Dance at dance clubs. Talk at other bars. And don’t be a creep. If you buy a drink, do it because you are being kind, not because your $4 gesture means you are owed anything.
This is a game, and it’s best to play by the rules.
HIMYM – Three Days Rule from Inga Vinje Engvik on Vimeo.
It amuses me to realize that there really are specific dating rules. My friend who joined me at the Meetup a couple of weeks ago was evidently very popular among the women in his part of the crowd.
He exchanged numbers with at least one girl, who he thought was cool.
Until she texted him the next night, wanting to hang out.
When I saw him again, I said, “it must be kind of flattering, right, to have someone so into you that they want to hang out again?”
The answer, evidently, was no.
He won’t hang out with her, even if she is cool, because she was so available to him.
The phrase “you remind me of my ex” should never be spoken when first meeting someone.
And, in fact, strike it from your lexicon altogether. When I dug deeper into my friend’s reluctance to give this over-eager girl another chance, he told me that she said to him, “you know what? You remind me a lot of my ex-husband, only you’re more social.”
That’s when I stopped pestering him. That girl does not need a chance to hang out with my friend. If I could talk to her, I would tell her that she’s just not ready to put herself out there. Breakups are a healing process. Breaking up a marriage takes even more time to get over.
When you get someone’s number, it’s best to call. Not text.
This is another tip for the guys. We know it’s significantly easier to text someone. You don’t have to put yourself out there to hear “no” and somehow it’s easier to text someone and never hear from them again instead of calling to find out she’s busy washing her hair/dog/grandmother.
If you call, though, we remember. You get bonus points. We think it’s cute when you’re nervous.
If you give him your number, you should wait for him to call.
This one’s for the girls, and is especially true if the exchanging of numbers were your idea. Wait for him to call. If he hasn’t called within three days, you have two choices. You can write him off, or you can try to set up a date with someone who didn’t think enough of you to pick up the phone after three days.
That’s all for now, friends! I could go on (and on) but these were a few quick observations from the last couple weeks.
I love the "so available" comment, because I've often been chastised for being too old fashioned, but I always knew that you had to play the game. Guys like the chase, and while some guys may be all "oh it's 2013 whatever, i like when girls make the first move" i think secretly a lot of guys love the chase.
i know my husband and i played the game very well. And I smile to think back at the little things we do to attract the opposite sex : )
I know! It's so fun, and frustrating, and fun. In a relationship, I wear whatever I want. First date? No fewer than three wardrobe changes. I like the chase, too. :)
AMEN!
And may I just say how absolutely addicted I am to HIMYM?! BF got me hooked on it, we watched every single episode of the first 7 seasons on Netflix and now we're dying because the current season is on TV but we refuse to watch it until we can watch all from the beginning….tooooorturrrre :)
I got into it over Christmas b/c it's on Netflix and it's 100% dialogue, so I could have it up on my laptop while making caramels (which need to be watched carefully and babysat). It's a fun show.
I personally think all the "rules" go out of the window when you meet the right person. Rules are important in this weird social experiment called dating, but from personal experience they matter little when the chemistry and connection feel right. My partner and I were instantly inseparable and said 'I love you' after three weeks….scary, I know. But almost 5 years later, it's been a pretty awesome roller-coaster.
Although it's been a while since I've been on the scene, I totally agree with guys calling and that people should erase "you remind me of my ex" altogether. Frankly, any comparisons are just creepy and a big red flag! Even worse than that? You remind me of (insert family member).
For sure, I should have added "feel free to break the rules if you're so inclined" to the list! I have a friend named Molly and for whatever reason, when she meets new people, they like to tell her about a dog they knew named Molly.
I haven't been on a date in 8 years. When my wife and I go out to any bar or club, I let her get drinks from other guys. I know who she is coming home with and why not get a free drink. I am a guy and I never bought drinks for any women unless I knew they were at least interested in talking. My how the game has changed.
Would you be interested in discussing that further? My readers would LOVE to hear about you going out with your wife and letting her get free drinks, and so would I!
The trick is to let the woman go to the bar alone to order…
Sure but there MUST be more to their story than just going up to the bar!
Wow, I'm glad I'm married and out of the game.
Right? Now you don't even have to buy clothes for a year because there's no one to impress :)
Ditto!
:)
I gave my ex my number in a bar. Total stranger, didn't even talk beforehand, I just handed him a note. He texted me two days later to "grab a drink". I should have known then that it wouldn't work out.
My boyfriend (who was my regular friend at the time) asked me to dinner in person without any evidence I'd say yes. Gutsy. I appreciate that. Also, I can't imagine telling someone they remind me of an ex without meaning to offend them.
I would have to agree with Joe. Glad I am married as well. But great tips for both parties! Dating seems to be so difficult these days. Whatever happened to being yourself. I've had guys call me the same day I gave them my number, and I just figured they really liked me, I didn't think they were too available. I don't like games. If you feel like calling, I say call. Now a days, texting is the in thing. It's really a preference. To some people it's no big deal.
I meant to post a new comment not reply to Lyn. Sorry!
:) I agree that texting is the thing, I just feel like it's too easy!
I agree you should wait for him to call if he asked for your number. With being available, I think it depends – after our first date, my bf asked if I wanted to go out again, and when I said sure, he said "what about tomorrow?" I was all for it since the connection was there, but if I wasn't sure about someone then it might have been a different story. I guess it depends on the chemistry!
That's pretty cute! I do my best to PACK my schedule the few days after a first date so that I'm not too available!
I've never put much stock in the "rules" . If a girl texted me the same night we exchanged numbers I wouldn't think twice about it. If she texted 30 times, that might be a different story!
It is funny to watch guys at bars though, I've been out with my gf on more than one occasion where a guy will start flirting with her at the bar and she'll end up getting not only a free drink for herself, but me as well :)
I'm loving this "couples going to bars to get the girl hit on" theme we have in the comments!
Can I get an amen??
Btw you're a datin' maven. ;) Rock on sister!
hahahaha! Thanks, Shannyn, but I don't think I'd go that far!
Sigh, am dating as well and I hate "the game" am so over it. But, am so excited to see what happens and the great person I will meet! It should be fun and I always say "yes" to a free drink-if I find the guy attractive.LOL.
I would like to say that I hate it but I think I only "hate" it (and secretly kind of love it). Played right, it's a very fun game!
Amen sister! As old-fashioned as it sounds, I think guys still have that inherent need to pursue. It's sounds stupid and prehistoric, but it's true.
I disagree about calling instead of texting. Even though I am not a big texter, I hate talking on the phone. I won't answer. I will just respond via text.
Haha, you must be a young whippersnapper. :) I can say that, because I'm over 30.
I thought about this as I typed it. I'm 30 and I actually hate texting as a form of conversation but it's great for making plans and that is all I want to do on the phone anyway. I prefer to save real conversation for face-to-face.
I am with you then :-)
There are so many rules. One time I went to a bar and met a girl who was eight years younger than me (still in college, in fact), she was kind of tipsy, gave me her number first, took my number and promised to call. I heard from her an hour later calling asking for help because she'd had too many and needed a ride home. So many red flags, so many rules broken, right?
Well, we've now been married for five and a half years, so I guess the rules are meant to be broken. Ss others have said, it's all about finding that right person. Do that and the situation and such are not important.
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww I love that story! you rescued her, then you married her!
Like Joe said, I am so glad I am out of this game. :) I would fail miserably if I were not. ;)
Oh, pish posh. You did something right!
Although I have not dated in a very long time (nearly 48 years), nothiing has changed! As a male, I never bought a girl a drink in a bar or club, although I would ask her to dance. If there was something there (connected), we might go outside and talk. Bars or clubs are way too loud to actually get to know someone.
I want to be asked to dance! That sounds fun!
Thank goodness I'm married and don't have to deal with buying girls drinks anymore. I never really liked going to bars to "pick up girls". I would have rather just hung out with my friends. There are better places to find good women!
Yes there are! :)
I haven't been in the game for quite a while, but it seems the rules seem about the same. That whole getting/giving a number is such a hard stage. Thanks for sharing your experience.